Pros and cons of dating multiple men
But bigger than that, that little insecure part of me receives affirmation.She’s affirmed in the way that she’s always had a hunch that she’s not good enough.She’s scared that she’s not lovable, and by picking these men, she’s proving that, indeed, she is not lovable.The way that someone puts her down, ignores her, or lies to her, reminds her that she already knew she was shit, and now she’s found someone who sees the real her.They don’t protect me from the cold Chicago winter. But it is familiar to me to give each other shit, not talk about our feelings, and avoid talking about the hard stuff.They don’t serve their role for me anymore, no matter how familiar, how comforting or how routine. We pick at each other’s insecurities until we bleed enough to scab over so that it doesn’t hurt as much the next time.I’ve come up with a few conclusions as to why I like d-bags, and why I don’t like nice guys. Familiarity can often feel like security, and security feels good even if what we thought was secure and safe was only familiar.
It is familiar for me to be too empathetic, to take the blame, and to avoid conflict at all costs.
For the last 12 years, I’ve been inexplicably drawn to the guys that are all types of wrong for me. These men all share qualities that are not innately bad– in fact what makes these men appealing are the good qualities they all share: confident, outspoken, self-assured, aware.
I’m that girl who claims “He’s just too nice.”I’m that girl who says “I just feel like I could walk all over him.”I’m that girl who thinks “He couldn’t handle me.” And I’m kind of over it. The ones that make me believe that there’s something wrong with me in order to keep me coming back for more. How could I know that I have the tendency to do exactly this and yet continue to dive head first and knee deep into the highs that come with catching the one who saves his affections only for the women ready to believe him?
Dating the d-bag is familiar to me in the ways that I’ve learned that strength comes from sticking around despite his flaws, his emotional neglect, his tendency to make me feel worthless, and that strength is something to be admired.
Being strong for other people is something that is familiar to me.It is familiar to me to put myself last, and other’s first regardless of the costs. They are habits that are easy to slip back into like a pair of tattered pj’s that I’ve been holding on to for too long because they feel that good.